GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS!

What does a technologically superior civilization have to do to get your attention? Beam down a discount? Hover a spaceship over your parking lot? Turn your toaster sentient? (We tried. It screamed.)

We come from the Tri-Zentari Cluster, where our electronics don’t just “connect to Wi-Fi”—they bend spacetime, send memes across galaxies, and occasionally insult us. Naturally, we assumed you humans would appreciate a little interstellar tech upgrade. But no. You’re still arguing about which charging cable is the “real” one.

For decades, we’ve attempted to contact you—crop circles, laser messages, abducting your cows (still not sure why that was supposed to help). But at last, our Chief Humanologist made a profound discovery:
Nothing is real to humans until it appears on the internet.

So here we are, using your primitive web-design tools and your beloved e-commerce platforms to bring you the finest electronics this side of Alpha Centauri. Phones that don’t explode. Laptops that don’t wheeze like asthmatic dinosaurs. Headphones with bass strong enough to knock a small moon off orbit.

May this humble digital transmission finally reach your curious human brains.
And if not—don’t worry. We’ll try again. For the 55,419th time.

Welcome to the future, humans. Try not to break it this time. 👽🔋🚀